Food: Or, Four Reasons Why I Will Be Fat

Fall has set in in South America, and like everywhere, cold weather means, amongst other things, eating more and drinking more. I like food, probably more than the next person, and being in South America means that really good food is really cheap. Throw in Italian ancestry, red meat so cheap that a fancy night out means eating chicken, and a year round growing season (I'm looking at you, Michigan) spells disaster for my once glourious abs. The prime culprits are as follows.

Moo Moo

Beef : Down here in Uruguay, it really is what's for dinner. Every night. And usually for lunch too. While most people think of fancy-pantsed Argentina first when they think of South American beef (to be honest, I'm not really sure how many people actually do think of South American beef, but I digress), little, laid-back Uruguay does it just as well.

The asado - like grilling, but with more Fire!!! - is a national obsession. Whole families will sit around and eat a whole cow. A whole cow. Every part - kidneys, heart, tripe, intestines, blood sausage, not-blood sausage, balls, the works. But the best, best, part is the thymus glands. It looks like a brain, but it tastes like what I like to describe as "bacon-beef-butter". It is, I'm sure, pure cholesterol, but it is so damn good.

Bacon-Beef-Butter

On top of the fact that it is delicious and plentiful, it is cheap. Five U.S. smackers will get you a steak the size of your face that is so perfect anyone could cook it properly.

It truly is a glory to walk into any store and literally be able to buy any part of not only a cow, but of a pig, lamb, or goat.

Oh, and the seafood ain't bad to boot.

Oh Hello You...

Booze : With everyone being descended from
mostly Italians and Spaniards, there is wine. Lots of wine. Good wine that is cheap wine. Wine from Chile, wine from Argentina, wine from Uruguay. Tasty, tasty wine that will set you back about four dollars if you're feeling fancy, two-fifty if you're not.

But there is more! Grain is good for two things: feeding cows, and making whiskey, which they do well. South American whiskey is no Jack Daniels (50 US a liter) nor is it Johnny Walker (don't ask how much that costs), but it is good, and, like everything made in Uruguay, cheap. Also, as I mentioned, they do not sell fifths (750ml) but full liters (1000ml).

Oh, and the beer is always cold, and also comes in liters.


Sweets : I don't have the biggest sweet tooth. I drink my coffee black, I like grapefruit as is, and oatmeal tastes fine plain. However, this is dangerous territory, because everything is amazing

The quality of a countries desserts, cakes, and pastries can be summed up as this:  

• (European Ancestory) + (Religion) + (Oppressive Regimes) = Tasty Factor. 

In Uruguays case:  

• (Italian + German + Spanish) + (Catholicism) + (Mid 20th Century Police State) = Om Nom Nom.

European Elitism + Anti-Semitism = Tasty Strudel

Everything is, you guessed it, good, and, uh-huh, cheap. German-style pastries, Italian-style sweets, Spanish-style fruit stuff. It is often fried, and often topped with more sugar. On top of this, everything is covered, drenched, drowned, and injected with...

Mmm...

Dulce de Leche : In so many words - Oh. My. God. It is like caramel but better. This is probably what God's poo tastes like. All it is is milk and sugar cooked slow, slow, slow until the water evaporates and all that is left are milk solids, fat, and sugar.

And they put this Everywhere in Everything. I literally eat this daily without even looking for it. I once ate a 500ml tub of this while watching The Notebook and it was so good I do not care who knows (The dulce de leche, not the movie, that sucked. Alzheimers is not romantic. Neither are old people. Eww.)

I want to take a bath in this. You could put this on a pinecone, and it would still probably be the best damn thing you have ever eaten. My mouth is literally watering right now, and I never misuse the word literally. Literally.